New York 2008

between heaven & hell. A place where everything is quite & peaceful and seemingly good but under the surface you know that there is a hurricane about to explode. So you breath while you can because you know that soon all the air will be sucked out of the room. All will be extinguished because it only had a short time to live as it is...as we all do. We are only here for a moment and those moments are filled with such beauty and such awfulness but if you look hard enough it was all only beauty. All that I am sure of is that no one should try to change you. If they try then they are only trying to change themselves but it is through you & that is sad for you & them.
I have been through a lot in the past year - all of it was what I wanted but in anticipation of pain I want to foreshadow a state that I might never reach, just for the sake of "what if". There is obviously a lot worse going on in the world than whatever it is that I am going through - or not yet - but what is the level of ones pain? For some a toe jab feels just as painful as a knife stab to another. So without trying to weigh pain I can tell you what I think mine might be... hahahahaha...
I am obviously more of a thinker than I am a feeler - I can't feel but I can tell you what feel thinks like. And I can show you how to write so much bullshit to get around what it is that you are actually trying to say. So what do I have to say?
There have been so many times in my life where I thought that at "this" moment I've got it but the moment passes & i still dont got it. I think its time for me to get it that I'll never "got it". I go forward, I go backwards but all thats ever left is this me that keeps going. What is this me seeking? A partner, a husband, someone who will say "you are good, just as you are"? If so then I should fulfill that not someone else.
There seems to be all of these lives that I start and can't seem to keep. But I always come back to this person that I try to run away from but that is always left - me. I can't fight who I am and whatever that is, faults, drinking, smoking, sometimes gets caught up in this everyday world... that is who I am & until I transcend that all that I can be is this. This human who is far from perfect but is just right.
Sometimes I think that we don't know the weight of our pain because we are so good at putting it away. I think that my pain might be greater than I acknowledge but I dont feel it yet. Maybe I wont feel it, maybe it will creep up on me like a ton of bricks...maybe im dramatizing a situation that will never be actualized. Maybe Im in this situation because I enjoy some sense of drama. Maybe im really just a turtle having a vivid dream living in the bearing sea...
Maybe I fell in love with someone crazy because I'm crazy? What the fuck is crazy anyway? Someone who teaches you how to laugh, how to sing, how to get angry, how to feel, how to love. Maybe he went beyond my threshold of crazy? Maybe I just don't love him anymore? Maybe we're all crazy & I just want my own crazy? Maybe I don't know anything & I never will. Maybe he is my perfect crazy & i just dont know... maybe im not crazy

 

"The advantage of a bad memory is that one enjoys several times the same good things for the first time."

 

The advantage of a bad memory... you go through things and you forget why.  You go through your follies and get involved in inconsequential matters.  You forget what matters or why your there in the first place.  You forget the things that brought you to where you are.  The fire, the rage, the desire...all becomes dulled with time. 

Then there is a note of music, a movement, a noise, a smell, a belief that reminds you that at one time you used to dance.  Used to believe, used to breathe.  The stillness, the stifling stillness of forgetting why... why anything, what brought you to this where and the why.  "If you have a why to life, you can deal with almost any how."

Then you get to find yourself again and remember the music, the movement, the desire...to read, to believe, to feel, to... dare I say, love.

Thank god for the bad memory that allows one to go through it all as if it was the first time with a slight reminiscence of being there before.

"I can only believe in a god that can dance"

 

So I dance, on and on and on...the music never stops...

 

I would not know what the spirit of a philosopher might wish more to be than a good dancer.

 

To forget one's purpose is the commonest form of stupidity.

 

Friedrich Nietzsche

 

I would say, everything...

There's the seeing an old friend smile, excitment, memories, you smile but you wonder who they are now.  Remember old times, a little repressed.

A baby, now they have the best smiles, no holds bar.  They are just plain old happy to see you and you are just so damn happy to see them.  Their smiles light u a room.

Work, that smile is the worst - co-workers with the "good morning, how was your weekend".  The fakest most horrible smile.

The best smile is looking at the person that you just made love to.  It's genuine, happy, complete sincerity as if someone ignited a light in your face.  You look in the mirror with that smile and you know that it is the best smile that you can have.

Yepp, I'm smiling...

I've had no internet connection for a very long time, I pay for it as of today.  I missed you all.

Life's funny.

Love you all and miss you all.  I'll post so much soon...

**MAUH**

...is a wonderful town... but must it be so damn crazy!!!???  Gotta love the insanity that a subway strike can cause to one of the most powerful cities in the world!  It's mahem, pure caois, people walking everywhere, cars everywhere, police trying to maintain some formality within the caois!  Cabs stopping with people in them, people knocking on your windows whenever the car stops.  It's insane.

I honestly don't know enough about the strike besides what 8 hours of New York 1 taught me yesterday as I sat around in pajamas not knowing how to get to work.  I could have gotten there, but I decided better to give it a day.  Anyway, from what I understand of the strike the union workers are pissed off.  They're not getting all of the benefits that they have enjoyed for a long time.  They had great benefits, not t o say that they're wrong, but it's a case of being used to a great deal and then having bits of it taken away.  It seems that what they are asking is a bit unreasonable considering current wages, pension plans, medical benefits and such that the rest of the country adhears to.  Is it fair?  Who knows.  But I'll tell you what isn't fair:  hijacking an entire city to try to get what you want.  It is extoration at it's best.  It was illegal for them to strike for a reason, what if NYPD decided to strike - that would be pretty dangerous, no?

Whatever their case or their claims, this is no way to get people on your side.  Public opinion is not favoring the transit union, and in a city like NY public opinion carries a lot of weight.

Personally I think that there is a better way of doing things, I think that with negotiations you have to be able to bend.  You don't come to the table with a drop dead deal, there has to be room for compromise.  From what I gather all the deals that were layed out before them were flatly refused without any kind of counter offer besides the original proposal.  No room for budging there, and actually that's not even called a negotiation, that's a threat.  "Give us what we want or we will make your beloved city suffer".  That almost sounds like the work of kidnappers, hijackers or terrorists (not that I am comparing the transit union to terrorist, but it is on the same line).

I am not an authority on this, this is just my humble opinion as one who has to suffer through the decisions that others make.  Besides my humble sufferings of having to dredge through the cold and pay $30 to get to work, business owners are suffering the worst.  It's the last week of the holiday season and their shoppers cant get to their stores!  Some merchants rely on this time of year to keep them afloat for the WHOLE year!  It's not really fair to those people.  While the transit workers quibble about their 3% share into their own mediacl benefits, people are losing their jobs and their lively-hood.  From what I understand even teachers don't get the same kinds of benefits that transit workers get!  And a 3% gauranteed annual raise isn't so bad in todays economy.

For some reason I just don't think that the MTA is purposely not giving them what they want just to screw them over "yeah, let's really screw those transit workers, hahahaha", I just don't see that.  I think that they are probably giving them what they feasibly can within their budgets.  I think that they do have accountants on payroll and they probably went as far as they could to avoid this strike.  They knew Touissant wasn't bluffing, the man looked like he wanted to go on strike day one.  Seems he had something to prove and by-golly he was gonna prove it!

I could be completly wrong, but anyway, these are my two cents (which won't get you get you from point A to point B in NY any time soon).

Happy holidays to all and to all a good night...

I haven't been here in so long, but once I feel confused this is where I come.  My life is great, I don't have time to question otherwise.  I work now about 10 to 12 hours a day without any time to stop.  Is it what I want?  I don't know.  It challenges me; good.  It pisses me off; bad.  I'm learning, but I don't think that I am in the ideal enviornment to bloom.  I didn't come back to NY to work my ass off to be pissed off.  I think that all things should be fair, at least in a logical way.  So I can not handle illogical mindsets - Harvard MBA or not.  Stupid is stupid and honestly any moron can get an MBA.

Yes I'm in sales and I never have been before, but I have walked and talked before so therefore am I not equiped to be able to keep doing that?  Yes, I'm venting...shall I go back to school to teach me the anithises of human relations?

It's all good, it's great actually, my compacity is unyeilding, but I can get annoyed once in a while.  It just amazases me how peoples egos get in the way of even their own better good.  The ego is a horrible hindrance that is capable of inflating a thin membraned small baloon into thinking that they are a capabe of air lifting a sky scaper.   Probability is low but expectatins are high.  Not a winning situation.

I'm learning, experiencing, living...My life is too precious to be wasted on nonsense...

There's always that island that calls to me..."open a cafe and live in peace".  It gets louder and louder....

I'm sitting here with a bottle of pettite syrah and the most amazing bowl of pasta that I've eaten in almost 2 years.  Delivery pasta and I am having a minor orgasm from it!  My god the mouth senses become alive in NY!  Yes I might become a fat cow living here again, but you know what - it would be worth it.  Fuck, I forgot what good food tasted like!

Also sight, the architecture here is phenominal and I forgot all about it.  I love walking the streets knowing that I can stop anywhere, do anything.  The people, oh the people, to be around people again!  I over hear conversations "yeah, that son of a bitch thinks he pulled one over on me", and I get happy.  People cursing and and spitting and talking and laughing and kissing on the streets.  My god I missed it.

I look around and wonder whether they know what an amazing city they live in.  Because god knows I didn't know when I lived here.  All of my senses are open, it's an explosion of thought, taste, sight, hearing...

My people, I want to smile on the subway - but people will think I'm weird, or a tourist.

I went on an interview on Tuesday then again today.  I walked through central park.  I was offered the position and I took it - I start Wednesday.  I am going to be a Radio Sales person!  Shit dude, I never thought that I would go to sales, but people tell me that I would be good at it, so I'll give it a try.  I'm actually so fucking excited about it it's bursting inside of me.

I've been squeezing the baby Oliver almost everyday and let me tell you, there is a lot to squeeze!  I have never seen such a large baby in my life, especially from my sister who is again smaller than I am!  I've also spent plenty of time with my neices in Jersey who seem to remember who I am no matter how much time passes.  God I love them!

All in all I am exstatic, I am so looking forward to life in NY!

My sister concerns me, Olivers mom, but I have to let that go.  When you're happy it's a hard place to tell someone else that you think that they are not.  "Here, read this, do that, think this way - I promise it will help you", she would say "I don't need any fucking help - I am fucking happy you fucking idiot".  Yeah, sure you are.  But what are you gonna do?  Stop hanging out with someone you love?  She'll get it eventually, I hope.  I miss her though, the she that she used to be.  I can't imagine living her life, but she made choices that she's afraid to correct because that would mean that she made a mistake.  The fact is is that we all make mistakes, such is life - you pick up the pieces and move on.

I've learned that you choose everyday what you want to be, what you want to feel like; oppressed, happy, invincible, aggrevated...  It's a choice not an assignment.

I miss the buzznet, but it might take me sometime to get back on track.  I will actually have to work at work now and I still don't have a place to live.  So I'm bouncing from one place to another until I find a place to live.  But I am happy and I hope that you all are as well.

I'll post some pics now...

***MAUH***

Is it such a tough question?  I didn't think so, but it created quite the response!

So much to say and so little time.  I miss my buzznet world, I'll get back to it soon.  For now it's this new life in NY with my sisters and my nieces/nephew and myself.  I am doing great but the people I love seem to be in a place other than I would like them to be in.  But who am I to say what place is wrong or right.

NY, oh NY - I love it, the rain, the cold, I'll take it all!  So happy to be back.  Like LA was another world.

I miss you all and will catch up really soon.

What a wirlwind life is, you never know what your going to go after and what you will be.  Quite fun.

So I wrote up this long ass detailed story but my computer crashed – mental note, type it all in Word, at least it recovers.  Yes, my loss!  I don’t think that I can convey it with the same emotion but I’ll try…

So tonight was my farewell party for work (I was an hour and a half late) and I must say that with just one day of unemployment – I love it!  To be away from those people, those horrible people.  I didn’t recognize how much I disliked them until I didn’t have to like them anymore.  Survival I guess.  I like some of the people within my company, just no one that I work with directly.  The chicks that I work with are the most shallow, mean, horrible people that I’ve ever met.  All they know how to do is talk horribly of other people “god, did you see her outfit – she’s gotten so frumpy looking”.  Nasty, nasty girls.  How are people capable of being so evil?  Isn’t there some kind of voice in their heads that says “this is bad, don’t say this”?  They are just viscous insecure pathetically mean chicks.  I thought that once high school was over I would never encounter this type of behavior – I was wrong.  I don’t miss them, I will never miss them.  Evil, evil people. (I said it all so much more expressively the last time I wrote it).

 

So now the good stuff…My friend called me on the way to my party to tell me that they had extra tickets to NEIL DIAMOND!!!!  I don’t know if you all know but I love Neil Diamond like I love Pizza (and I love pizza)!  My sister who is an SVP for Verizon advertising couldn’t even get me tickets, I couldn’t get tickets and I work in media!  So I was excited.  When I had to leave the party early to go to NEIL DIAMOND those c**** had the audacity to actually yell at me for leaving, “you arranged this whole fucking party and you’re leaving?”  Ugggh, this is why I prefer the company of men!  Yeah, hang with you people or go see “The Jazz Singer” – where are their priorities?!  Oh I hate disliking people so much but they are really the worst people that I have ever met.  Sure I played along for a long ass time but I was in a fragile state so I didn’t realize completely how truly atrocious these women were.  Besides, they really don’t want to know me when I don’t have the restriction of the work place to keep my mouth in check.  It was best for us all that I left.

 

So NEIL DIAMOND – amazing!  Ohhhh, I can’t even express how much it meant to me, it was on my top ten things “to do” list ( I don’t really have one, but I think that it would be).  I had chills all over when he sang “love on the rocks – aint no surprise, just pour me a drink and I’ll tell you some lies”.  OOOOh Neil!  It was so worth leaving those horrible people for.

Ugggh, uggh, get them out of my system – by tomorrow I will forget them all!  I truly hope that somewhere along the way in their lives they become better people.  The filth that they produce is detrimental to mankind!

 

I am going to have a good old time until I go back to NYC.  Gotta fill up the memory banks with “warm” memories until I go to the cold, “winter can be cold for those with no warm memories, we’ve already missed the spring” – which movie?

 

It’s baffling to think that I existed blindly since I’ve been in LA.  No wonder I was so miserable; hanging out with evil every day!

 

Oh, I’m going to have some good ass fun while I’m here!  I’ve restrained myself too much, it’s time to live.  Throw caution to the wind, when a great opportunity presents itself, don’t contemplate just do it!

 

Woooohooooo!!!!!

It feels good to do it, to start the process.  I started packing and making arrangements for my move back to New York and it feels so fucking good.  Of course I start getting all of these calls for possible positions in LA and they sound tempting but as Shane (my god old buddy in Texas) says “you’re just going to feel the same way in 6 months after the excitement of a new job has worn off”.  Yeah he’s right, he’s pretty much always right, pretty much.

It started with my conversation with my friend Somlynn that I realized that I was just going along being in LA, momentum or just apathy, who knows.  Then I had this interview that I was going on that sounded great, I wanted it but I spoke to Shane and he made it all so plainly clear for me.  I don’t want to be here and no job will change that for me.  Thank god for people knowing you better than you do at times!

So I chucked it and decided, time to go.

I can’t wait to be back in NY!  Oh my little city of cold and grime but constant wonder, where any night might be the best night of your life.  The blistering cold will be such a welcoming feeling to this monotonously warm face.  To stride down its streets never knowing what you’ll find.  Having a scarf wrapped around your face as you gaze at the lights and wonders, the scents, the people.  Crazy Chinatown and little Italy, the teenage junkies in the East Village.  Wandering the streets at night, you can walk and walk and no one will question or know where you’re going.

Talk politics or philosophy with strangers in random bars.  Go to decadent parties with bankers one night and shoot pool in a dingy bar with intellectuals another.  People wear scarves because it’s cold and fuzzy boots because there’s snow!

 

You’d get shot or beaten down with a large stick if you would even think of talking about reality shows at a bar or restaurant!

Oh NY, my cold dark little paradise!  I get to squeeze the fattest little baby in the world every day and laugh with the cutest little mother.  I get to see two little beauties and an almost mother to me and watch them all grow.  I get to be in their world.

I must say that being away from them has taught me so much, as it always does, but I always come back to them.  My sisters, what makes me love them so much!  And why do they have to make such gorgeous babies that I can’t stand to be away from!  Who could ever say “why do I love my family so darn much?”

Yeah, I miss them but it’s also me.  I need NY in my veins, it’s got me and once it gets you you always come back to it.  Love or addiction, you choose.

Yeah, I’ll bitch, I’ll wine, I’ll complain, but I’ll be happy.

Neuva Yorke here I come!

I don’t know how I’ll feel about LA in retrospect but it is pretty and it is warm and sunny.  I’m sure that I’ll recall all types of other things once I’m gone, but maybe I won’t.  I went through some crazy shit while I was here and I’m sure it was all worth while, but all that I’ve ever felt was that it was like a layover.  I had to sit here anxiously for my next flight to arrive.  It was a long ass layover but my flight has arrived and I am OFF!

 

“And now, the end is here
And so I face the final curtain
My friend, I'll say it clear
I'll state my case, of which I'm certain
I've lived a life that's full
I traveled each and ev'ry highway
And more, much more than this, I did it my way

Regrets, I've had a few
But then again, too few to mention
I did what I had to do and saw it through without exemption
I planned each charted course, each careful step along the byway
And more, much more than this, I did it my way

Yes, there were times, I'm sure you knew
When I bit off more than I could chew
But through it all, when there was doubt
I ate it up and spit it out
I faced it all and I stood tall and did it my way

I've loved, I've laughed and cried
I've had my fill, my share of losing
And now, as tears subside, I find it all so amusing
To think I did all that
And may I say, not in a shy way,
"Oh, no, oh, no, not me, I did it my way"

For what is a man, what has he got?
If not himself, then he has naught
To say the things he truly feels and not the words of one who kneels
The record shows I took the blows and did it my way!

[instrumental]

Yes, it was my way”

Why Can't I Own a Canadian?

October 2002

Dr. Laura Schlessinger is a radio personality who dispenses advice to people who call in to her radio show. Recently, she said that, as an observant Orthodox Jew, homosexuality is an abomination according to Leviticus 18:22 and cannot be condoned under any circumstance. The following is an open letter to Dr. Laura penned by a east coast resident, which was posted on the Internet. It's funny, as well as informative:

Dear Dr. Laura:

Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. End of debate. I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some of the other specific laws and how to follow them:

When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord - Lev.1:9. The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness - Lev.15:19- 24. The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.

Lev. 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?

I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself?

A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination - Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this?

Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here?

Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27. How should they die?

I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev. 19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? - Lev.24:10-16. Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)

I know you have studied these things extensively, so I am confident you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging.

Your devoted fan,
Jim

Realization:  I need to go.  But where?

Query:  What makes you happy?

Travel, learning the ability to contribute.

So, how do you do it?

You go.

So I go. 

Look for a job that I don't want? - Stupid

Stay in a place that I have no ties to? - Ridiculous

Live a life based on debt? - Superfluous

So I will go to Moscow or another country and work in an ad agency or something else for now.  Then start an organization for a greater good, preferably an orphanage or children's hospital.  Hey, I've got this little life to make something out of.  I've got nothing to lose and so much to give.

Life is so simple when you look beyond yourself.

I have so much circulating in my mind that it's hard to grasp just one thought.  I want so much, quest so much.  Why did it take so long to dawn on me?!  The only thing that truelly makes me thrive is challenge and adventure.  I can not remain stagnet, I wilter.  I need learning, constant stimulation.  I have felt so out of place because simply I am out of place.

Physicallity, mental stimulation, energy, life - I need all of these things to sustain me or else I get weary and bored.

I'm thinking, I'm planning, I am seeking to find.  Oww, how I love this feeling, right before flight.  I get all tingly and anxious, I can't wait to take off.

This is the life that I am meant to live, unexpected truths, unexpected people, wonder, exploration.  What a beautiful life there is to be had once you let go of all that you think restricts you.

 

"These days I have blindly struggled with myself & hungered for purer thoughts & nobler sentiments, for that state I remembered vaguely having visited, in the past, which was beautiful compared with the present one.�  Anais Nin

 

��the habit of looking upon all unpleasant circumstances with which one meets as merely opportunities for one to test one�s capacity to rise above them by searching for that �seed of an equivalent benefit� & putting t to work.� Napoleon Hill

��Everything, every circumstance which touches your life, whether it be pleasant or unpleasant, is grist for your mill of life.  Embrace it as such, grind it into your chosen pattern of living & let it serve instead of tormenting you through fear and worry.� Napoleon Hill

 

��Nature knows what she is about when adversity, physical pain, sorrow, distress, failure & temporary defeat overtake one.  Remember this & profit by it the next time you  meet with adversity, and instead of crying out in rebellion, or shivering with fear, hold your head high & look in all directions for that seed of an equivalent benefit which is carried in every circumstance of adversity.� Napoleon Hill

 

��For I do at least have control over my reaction to these circumstances.�

 

�Of all that was written, I love only what has been written with blood, write with blood, and you will find that blood is spirit.�  Nietzsche

 

�Be honest, that means be prudent; don�t make miscalculations; remember the axiom; remember that the whole is greater than any of it�s parts; that is, that your human nature is strong, is more important for you than every other individual tendency; and therefore treasure it�s benefits above those which may come from any separate tendency of thine, if they prove to be any way inconsistent with the whole, and that all; and that means be honest, and all will be well.�  �What is to be done� Nikolai Chernyshevsky (from a letter that Laura (my sister) sent me while I was living in Israel)

 

So I lost a computer and some stuff, its just stuff, all that I am is in me.  Nothing outside of me is who I am.  You gain stuff you lose stuff, such is life.  Will it break me?  Will it scare me?  Will I allow an exterior act to cause me to react, to break down, to lose myself?  Nahhh�I wrote in my real journal tonight, I suppose because it is still here.  I started reading through it and found all of these old quotes.  Also I found things that I wrote before that is pertinent (I found the �seed of equivalent benefit�) �

 

Tuesday night, Miami May 24, 2005

 

�It�s like I�ve always lived multiple lives; as I went through my photos today I looked back on all the places I�ve been.  I must say that my lowest point has been California � it has tested my doubt and won hands down.  I don�t have doubt here or in NY or abroad for that matter.  LA, huh, what am I doing in LA?  It�s sunny, warm, and you have the beach & it sucks you in.  But is any of it real � it�s like living in a sound stage where any moment someone can pull the curtain and it all disappears.  I am happy in LA; it�s a sort of comatose existence, like nothing really exists at all.  Maybe I need to leave it in order to see the roots sprout.  If I walked away from LA right now, would I even notice?  Would I miss anybody?  Would I be sad?  I would miss the sun everyday.  But no, I don�t think that I would miss much else.  Can a place make you feel the way that I feel in LA?  Am I not strong enough to be who I am anywhere?  I looked at pictures of myself today in Israel (that�s what I did all day) & I remembered walking into the kibbutz and being whole, being me. 

I read old letters that Laura (my sister) used to send, we were so close & I know that she needed me so bad at times, but I wasn�t there.  I left her � so she left me.  Laura turned hard and cold, but in Miami I think she thrives.  She blooms here.  Funny, the place you run from becomes the place you most belong. 

Sitting on my parent�s balcony watching the moon rotate around my little world.  It�s been my moon and my sun for quite some time & I�ve always loved it here.  If I think back, most of my happiest times were here.  When things felt real and I had a ground to walk on.

Holy shit � I need to leave LA, there is nothing of substance there � work?  Is that all?  Just a bunch of sexually deviant, drug addict, alcoholic, depressive psychos there.  What the hell am I doing there?  It�s like a bad relationship that you just can�t leave because the sun is there in the morning to wake you � yes I�m happy, but my soul is dying.  NY made Laura hard, well LA will make me hard & miserable and angry. 

Why is it that all things make sense from a distance?  So easy for me to sit here on Mom�s and Dad�s balcony & watch the moon & see my life.  Why don�t I see it while I�m in it?  My life is easy in LA, I don�t think much, I don�t want for much, it just goes.  Ha � it took getting this far to see it.  I am far sighted!

I should leave LA before I am let go.  Spend money that I don�t have& go.  What the fuck is my life in LA  - there is no love, nowhere, nowhere is there any kind of love.  It�s a sympathized inebriation. 

 

Tuesday late night Miami 5/31/05

It is the first day of the 31st year of my life on the 31st day of May. 

Actually almost 6AM, got home from South Beach with Sofia.  Went to Astor then Teds�

I was having some deep thoughts in the taxi home that I hope that I can write down�  What did I learn on the eve of my 31st year?  That you can be who you are no matter where you are, that people only see in you what you see in yourself.  That people sometimes surprise you when you least expect it.  That life is beautiful in the strangest ways.  South Beach will always be fun � but only for a moment & the moment passes quickly.  There is love � named Oliver & Anastasia & Genvieve & Victoria & Laura & Mom & Dad.  I have a lot more than most & I am happy with what I have.

 

�fear stopped frightening me once I realized that it was a feeling & it was better than feeling nothing at all�  Me talking to Shane 7/31/02

 

�I�ve fallen so often that falling is almost more normal than being in a constant state of perpetual being.  Stagnation � how unfruitful.�  Me 3/9/04

So as I sit here with my stack of work in front of me and my laptop on buzznet just behind I get a phone call.  It was the director of the account for the position that I wanted but know I didn't get.  I must say that for one I appreciate that she wanted to call me herself.  She explained somewhat that the position was re-defined and I was over qualified, blah blah� but then she just decided to be straight and told me what really happened.  It�s a long story but she tried to restructure everything to get me in but it wouldn�t fly with headquarters.  That�s what sucks about �field� offices; a defined structure of bodies.  She was very cool about it and told me how much she would have liked to work with me (as her and I are very similar and would have worked really well together).  She tossed all the bureaucratic BS and told it to me straight � I appreciate that, yeah we would have gotten along well!  She�s also going to forward my resume along to her connections with a great referral, she didn�t have to do that.

It�s very rare that you have the opportunity to work with someone that you know could be a mentor because they get you, they are like you.  Very rare that someone that you could have worked for sees your worth.  It�s too bad that we didn�t get a chance to work together this time, but I�ve got a feeling that we will work together sometime very soon.

It was honestly one of the best rejections I�ve ever received, one that made me feel good afterwards, strange I know.

I�m going to keep in touch with her and once I do get a job I think her and I will go out for a glass of wine and be friends.  What an upstanding woman � shit how often in this bullshit corporate world do you meet someone who�s a player but knows it�s not real - not often!

All things happen for a reason and I�m glad that I got to meet someone who�s on my side in this industry.

It�s just a job after all and I�m sure I�ll find one, don�t know if I�ll get to work with the caliber of cool people as this job, but whatever it is I�ll make the best of it.  And if it all goes to shit then hell there�s always diving and the world to travel again!

I got woken up this morning to my sister's call from the airport.  Both of my sisters are flying to Miami for my cousin�s funeral.  He died last night, three weeks from when he was diagnosed with cancer.  I've been so busy with work and what not that I haven't called anyone back this week including his son who is a good friend.  I can't go to Miami, I can't take the time.

I'm just sitting here not knowing what to do with myself.  I feel so impotent.

I spoke with his son who is taking it all too well, which makes me nervous.  All that he said is that life is precious and you have to live your life with that knowledge.  We all take life and health for granted at times; at least I know I do.  But when you�re faced with the recognition that one day it will be gone how do you live it differently?  Do you live more recklessly or do you live more conservatively?  I don�t know.

Bye Sasha, I hope that life was what you wanted it to be�

 

So I decided that I would quit smoking.  I�ve never tried before so I�m a little nervous of the failure rate.  There are a few reasons for my decision the most poignant of which is my cousin being diagnosed with lung cancer about a month ago.  Unfortunately by the time they diagnosed it it had already spread to the brain and the doctors give him about 6 months to live.  To compound this, his insurance company is trying to get out of paying his over 200 thousand tab, by saying that his insurance broker didn�t fill out the paper work right.  She didn�t check off that he was a smoker, and they say that if he would have checked that off they wouldn�t have insured him in the first place.  That really freaked me out to think that something that you choose to do can prevent you from being insured because you�re a liability.  That�s like being a crack head or heroin addict!  Besides the fact that my cousin is only in his late 40�s and probably won�t live another year because of something that he chose to do.

Beyond that I�ve been thinking about why I smoke and why I don�t stop.  Is it because I think that I can�t?  That those little cigarettes have more control over me than I have over myself?  So it became more about will power � a test of my will.

I�ve been thinking a lot lately about why I do the things that I do and it is mostly out of habit.  I get stressed � I smoke and bitch.  I do things because that�s what I�m used to doing, but why?  Ultimately I have the choice to react, or not react to a situation as I choose.  There is no auto pilot within me, I have the choice to take any given situation and react to it differently than I ever have before.  I can either have all of my undesirable behavior continue until I die or recognize my destructive behavior and change it.

Behavior is always retrainable; we are human after all and react well to conditioning.  We can endure almost any situation and all degrees of suffering.  Ultimately we all have the ability within us to choose how we will internally take any situation.  The mind is stronger than the body and the will is stronger than perceived reality.  What my body perceives as desire or fear or any other emotion or thought can be changed within the mind.

I am testing my resolve and it goes beyond smoking, it is ultimately about all of the things that I do that I don�t necessarily weigh the consequences of.

So here is my quest; I am trying to see what I�m capable of when I really try.  I am trying to be true to myself and everyone around me.  A lot of my friends might not like that much, but it�s what I�ve gotta do for me.  I�m just going to do the best that I can in all areas of my life.

 

Wish me luck!

 

*Inspired by my friend B who sent me a news letter that spoke of a man that tested his will and was in the Guinness Book of World Records* 

 

Thanks B!

I haven't been posting much or writing much as I've been feeling a bit spent.  I got sick before Melissa came into town, but I rallied and mustered up the energy to go out every single day and night while she was here.  It was emotionally and physically draining, but I did it anyway.  I realized that I sometimes do things for people at the expense of myself.  I wanted Melissa to have a good time so I went along with it, but I don�t really need all of that stimulation all the time.  I realized that I enjoy my alone, introvert time very much.  I like being social and parting it up, but sometimes it seems like your doing it just for the sake of doing it and your not really enjoying it that much, your just playing along.  Granted, I found myself in a lot of situations that I didn�t want to be in, but that�s what friends do.  I also wondered what she enjoyed about it so much and that distressed me.  What�s the point of hanging out with all of these random guys that will never progress into anything?  Maybe she sees something in them that I just don�t.

By the time Sunday night came around I literally could barely stand and couldn�t wait till I was allowed to go home and get my 5 hours of sleep.  She left Monday and I was a bit relieved to be able to get some rest after work.  I can�t even describe the way I felt Monday, it was like this weight inside of me, distress, and impending doom.  Yet I tried to think of what it was in my life that was making me feel this way and I realized that it was nothing in my life directly.  It was my worry for my friends.  My suicidal friend made an attempt that I won�t even get into, but it was just more drama than I can handle.  The girl is off her rocker and worrying about her and trying to help her is draining the life out of me and I finally realized after a lengthy conversation with my friend Shane that I am not responsible for saving everybody.  There is only so much that I can do or say to someone � that�s it, that�s all I�ve got!  You can talk till your blue in the face and give someone step by step directions on what they need to do, but it doesn�t mean that they are going to give 2 shits about what you have to say.  You could be the Dali Lama and they will still go on doing what they want to do until they decide on their own what they really want in their lives.  So that�s it, I�m done trying to bestow my �knowledge� on people who don�t want it.  Who am I anyway to be presuming that I know the best way for them?  I can only do what I feel is right in my own life � that�s it.  Simple as that, live my own life properly, be true to myself, be faithful, believe what I believe and surround myself with people that bring up my life not squeeze the life out of it.  The simplest way to change the world is to live by example. 

It all made me realize that I�ve always had this �bird with a broken wing� syndrome (as I call it).  I see someone broken and I want to fix them, I actually think that I can fix them!  Like I can put a bandage on them and take care of them for a while and they will recover in no time and be able to fly away.  With birds it might work, but with people it takes a lot more than that.  People that are broken on the inside can only repair themselves and that is a really hard lesson to learn.  Maybe that�s the big thing is that people seek outside of themselves the things that they can only find within.  Then they get disappointed when they get the outside comfort and they still feel lost inside.

Constant stimulation as Shane put it, be it drugs, sex, attention, food� all of those things are just an addiction to constant stimulation.  Maybe if people took the time to just stop and look around, maybe they would see the world and not just themselves.  I�m guilty of it as well at times; it�s hard not to be.  But hopefully I recognize it and try to change it.  I know damn well that all of the things that I need are within me, but I too take the path of least resistance.  I delve in debauchery, its fun.  I am also untrue to myself and my beliefs at times.  I don�t try as hard as I know I should and I procrastinate.

I think I should take care of myself for a while and figure out what it is that I want in my life and make sure that I am doing what I need to get it.  Do more of what I know to be right instead of what I think will be fun.  Fun is fleeting and you just wake up with a hangover�

 

I guess I'm confused again.  Melissa is in town and we have such a raucous time together.  So decadent and so much more me (not to be pretentious).  I don't really understand life sometimes, sometimes I think that I've got it, and then I get lost.  �cause if you want to hurt me, your doing really well my dear�, annie lennox.  I�m so tired, but I can�t sleep, so I do this.  I wonder about people often; what makes them tick�why have I not yet found one person that is a male that I can spend a significant amount of time with?  I have of course, but I�ve let them go� not good enough.  When will someone be good enough; great sex, attentive, appreciative, faithful, adoring, admirable, honest, easy�someone that I like to be with doing nothing�

I am the greatest giver of advice, I know what everyone should or shouldn�t do, but I don�t know what to do with my life.  Honestly I am dating so many boys that I get lost sometimes, but they all still hurt me.  I am not made of steel.  No matter who you are, you get rejected some way or other.  It�s always sad and I wish that it would be over already.  I don�t want to be what I�ve been for the past 15 years anymore.  I want to choose one person that makes me laugh and backs me in all parts of life.

Upon reflection I can say that I�ve made no bad decisions.  In fact very good ones since I�m not married to any one of my ex-boyfriends.  I loved them all in very different ways; but I didn�t love any of them enough.  My family and friends I have loved deeply and even my ex-boyfriends I love dearly, but not for every day.  I can spend every day with very few people. 

But on a side note, I don�t think that people should cheat on one another � ever!  I have friends that do and I will support them as my friend, but I think it�s wrong.  If you�re not happy then get the fuck out, don�t waste yours or other peoples time.  I would never want anyone to cheat on me and there for I would not do that to anyone.

I haven�t had sex in so long, I miss it but once you don�t have it for a while you learn to let it go.  I don�t want to have sex just once with someone; I want to have non-stop sex for days!  So I�ll hold out for that great sex that lasts for mornings and lunches, the kind that you recall all day long and can�t wait for.  Yep, it will happen again, it must.  If one has the capacity for love then that capacity will be filled.  No such thing as an empty vessel; all things empty eventually become filled.

I hurt at times but luckily no one can see it...

My roommate just came home with some drunken shiny shirt wearing idiot who locked his keys in his car.  Are these the options that I have for going out?  If so I opt out!  Their conversation went something like this... she "you've gotta go and call the tow company", he "I don't even know where we were", "your an idiot", "hahahahah, are you gonna drive me back?", "no", "well then I'll do it in the morning", "no really, you've gotta go",  "no, I�ll just sleep it off, I'll do it in the morning", "your an idiot, I'm going to sleep".  The door shuts and they go to sleep I presume?  Holy cow!  Now that's some romance...

Dating in LA is quite the experience...

On another front I think that my friend isn't going to kill herself I hope, but I give up.  Is that so horrible to say that you give up?  I've tried everything, every reason why life is worth living but she just doesn't care anymore.  Maybe she just wants attention as duck says, I so hope so.  Really there is only so much that you can try to do for a person until you just say "you know what, figure it out, you've got everything in the world that anyone can ask for yet you bitch and whine because you got laid off of your 100+ $ salary when you knew that it was coming for four freakin months and you owe a whopping 13 grand in CC debt.  Holy shit that's the worst thing that can ever happen to anyone!  Holy shit you are definitely the most unfortunate person in the world!  You might need to let go of your apt. in santa monica and turn your Audi in for a geo!  Those people in Africa have got nothin' on you!".  Get it together for fucks sakes!  I don't want her to kill herself and I hope that she doesn't but really WTF, shut up already.

It just makes me question my friends here in LA because I haven't made that many.  She is the only one that I have fun with, everyone else is pretty much lame.  Today was a testimate to that; I was all siked about my interview and I wanted to go out and kind of celebrate it and I realized that there was no one to celebrate it with.  My friends, my buddies, my pals are all in NY and Miami.  They might actually give a shit about whether I had a good day or not.  I am not undermining my friends here in LA.  They are all nice people, just not really my people.  Maybe it just takes 10 to 15 years to really get to know someone, but I've never known so many pre-occupied depressive, medicated people before in my life.  None of my friends in NY have ever been this complicated.  If you�re in a bad mood you stay home and get over it.  You don't threaten suicide.

So I go about my daily thing and I�m there for anyone who needs me but I can not expect that they or anyone will be there for me.  I�m ok with that, I realized that a long time ago, but it still kicks me in the ass once in a while.  I�m very used to being alone, even with other people around, but it�s still a rude awakening.  Once in a while you want someone to just say �hey yah, that was great that you did something that you wanted to do�, but that might not happen.  It�s probably my own fault because I play off this super strong don�t need anyone shtick that everyone seems to buy.  Yeah I am super strong and I don�t �need� anyone, but once in a while I might want someone.  I guess I�m not portraying that side of me.  I think that that has always been my problem in relationships; I come off as being just fine alone.

I am fine alone, I am happy alone, I enjoy my own company very much, especially considering my options.  But I don�t really want to be alone.

 

 

So I read this article that a friend sent, a Commencement address by Steve Jobs (I�ll try to attach it below), he makes some very good points in it that I had forgotten somewhere along the way. 

 

�You've got to find what you love. And that is as true for your work as it is for your lovers.�

 

I was thinking about that, about all of the things that I want to do in my life.  Finding what it is that I love �I already have so many things on my to-do list that I can�t even seem to get through or recall � how do I add �find what you love�?  I wonder if this life that I�m living is a huge farce and at the end of my days I�m going to look back and wonder why the fuck I�m doing what I�m doing.  You get so caught up with day to day bullshit that you forget that there is a purpose to it all.  I want this job (I have an interview tomorrow) because I want to further my career and make more money�for what?  What the fuck do I want it for?  To keep chasing more money and a better title the rest of my life?  Where will that leave me?  I have this idealized version of myself and then I have the real me; the day to day living me and I forget to incorporate the two.  They live separate of each other and I don�t know if I�ll ever be the person that I know deep down I should be.  I have so much work right now I should be doing but I can�t do it until I get this out of my head.  It�s like once in a while a door is cracked open and I can see what really matters behind it and it makes everything in this life pointless, but then the door closes and I�m back to money, parting, clothes, materialism, sitting with people I don�t like and talking about things that I could give two shits about!  Why, why do I do it, why does anyone?  When I sit there and have stupid nonsense conversations with counter parts at work I sometimes stop and wonder if they too think that this conversation is a waste of air � why don�t we talk about something real for fucks sakes!!!

I have an interview tomorrow for a job that I want really badly � it is perfectly in line with my career goals.  Yet what the fuck are those goals???  To retire at 60 and play golf until I die?  I�m scared that if I keep following this path then that is where I will end up because the more I get into it the less I will question if it is really what I want.  What I really want to do is pack up my shit and get the hell out of here!  Go back to traveling, maybe teach diving again or open a caf� in some 3rd world country.  That to me seems like so much more of a sensible life.

 

But really what is it that I love?  Do I know, have I ever known?  I loved diving; didn�t think that I could go a week without it, but I have.  Do I love advertising, no I could give a shit about how many shitty cars are sold or how better to position something so that debt ridden consumers can spend more money on things that they don�t really need.  Who cares, none of that matters.  No matter how many things you have or how much money you make or spend it will never bring you happiness and a true sense of the meaning of life.  If I know these things then why do I play along with the game of life?  Am I really so weak?  Why is it so much harder to maintain a mind set of internal and external �spiritual� (if you will) advancement, than to just fall back and run with the pack?  I guess it�s to prove your resolve.

 

I don�t know�but I want a job that I don�t really want, to learn more about things that I really don�t care about so that I can make money to spend on keeping me inoculated while I endure these things.  It�s all very interesting when you break it down.

 

When I was living abroad and diving for a living I always swore that this would never be me�I guess we all fall prey to societal pressures, no matter our resistance.

 

'You've got to find what you love,' Jobs says
This is the text of the Commencement address by Steve Jobs, CEO of Apple Computer and of Pixar Animation Studios, delivered on June 12, 2005.

I am honored to be with you today at your commencement from one of the finest universities in the world. I never graduated from college. Truth be told, this is the closest I've ever gotten to a college graduation. Today I want to tell you three stories from my life. That's it. No big deal. Just three stories.

The first story is about connecting the dots.

I dropped out of Reed College after the first 6 months, but then stayed around as a drop-in for another 18 months or so before I really quit. So why did I drop out?

It started before I was born. My biological mother was a young, unwed college graduate student, and she decided to put me up for adoption. She felt very strongly that I should be adopted by college graduates, so everything was all set for me to be adopted at birth by a lawyer and his wife. Except that when I popped out they decided at the last minute that they really wanted a girl. So my parents, who were on a waiting list, got a call in the middle of the night asking: "We have an unexpected baby boy; do you want him?" They said: "Of course." My biological mother later found out that my mother had never graduated from college and that my father had never graduated from high school. She refused to sign the final adoption papers. She only relented a few months later when my parents promised that I would someday go to college.

And 17 years later I did go to college. But I naively chose a college that was almost as expensive as Stanford, and all of my working-class parents' savings were being spent on my college tuition. After six months, I couldn't see the value in it. I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life and no idea how college was going to help me figure it out. And here I was spending all of the money my parents had saved their entire life. So I decided to drop out and trust that it would all work out OK. It was pretty scary at the time, but looking back it was one of the best decisions I ever made. The minute I dropped out I could stop taking the required classes that didn't interest me, and begin dropping in on the ones that looked interesting.

It wasn't all romantic. I didn't have a dorm room, so I slept on the floor in friends' rooms, I returned coke bottles for the 5� deposits to buy food with, and I would walk the 7 miles across town every Sunday night to get one good meal a week at the Hare Krishna temple. I loved it. And much of what I stumbled into by following my curiosity and intuition turned out to be priceless later on. Let me give you one example:

Reed College at that time offered perhaps the best calligraphy instruction in the country. Throughout the campus every poster, every label on every drawer, was beautifully hand calligraphed. Because I had dropped out and didn't have to take the normal classes, I decided to take a calligraphy class to learn how to do this. I learned about serif and san serif typefaces, about varying the amount of space between different letter combinations, about what makes great typography great. It was beautiful, historical, artistically subtle in a way that science can't capture, and I found it fascinating.

None of this had even a hope of any practical application in my life. But ten years later, when we were designing the first Macintosh computer, it all came back to me. And we designed it all into the Mac. It was the first computer with beautiful typography. If I had never dropped in on that single course in college, the Mac would have never had multiple typefaces or proportionally spaced fonts. And since Windows just copied the Mac, its likely that no personal computer would have them. If I had never dropped out, I would have never dropped in on this calligraphy class, and personal computers might not have the wonderful typography that they do. Of course it was impossible to connect the dots looking forward when I was in college. But it was very, very clear looking backwards ten years later.

Again, you can't connect the dots looking forward; you can only connect them looking backwards. So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future. You have to trust in something - your gut, destiny, life, karma, whatever. This approach has never let me down, and it has made all the difference in my life.

My second story is about love and loss.

I was lucky � I found what I loved to do early in life. Woz and I started Apple in my parents garage when I was 20. We worked hard, and in 10 years Apple had grown from just the two of us in a garage into a $2 billion company with over 4000 employees. We had just released our finest creation - the Macintosh - a year earlier, and I had just turned 30. And then I got fired. How can you get fired from a company you started? Well, as Apple grew we hired someone who I thought was very talented to run the company with me, and for the first year or so things went well. But then our visions of the future began to diverge and eventually we had a falling out. When we did, our Board of Directors sided with him. So at 30 I was out. And very publicly out. What had been the focus of my entire adult life was gone, and it was devastating.

I really didn't know what to do for a few months. I felt that I had let the previous generation of entrepreneurs down - that I had dropped the baton as it was being passed to me. I met with David Packard and Bob Noyce and tried to apologize for screwing up so badly. I was a very public failure, and I even thought about running away from the valley. But something slowly began to dawn on me � I still loved what I did. The turn of events at Apple had not changed that one bit. I had been rejected, but I was still in love. And so I decided to start over.

I didn't see it then, but it turned out that getting fired from Apple was the best thing that could have ever happened to me. The heaviness of being successful was replaced by the lightness of being a beginner again, less sure about everything. It freed me to enter one of the most creative periods of my life.

During the next five years, I started a company named NeXT, another company named Pixar, and fell in love with an amazing woman who would become my wife. Pixar went on to create the worlds first computer animated feature film, Toy Story, and is now the most successful animation studio in the world. In a remarkable turn of events, Apple bought NeXT, I retuned to Apple, and the technology we developed at NeXT is at the heart of Apple's current renaissance. And Laurene and I have a wonderful family together.

I'm pretty sure none of this would have happened if I hadn't been fired from Apple. It was awful tasting medicine, but I guess the patient needed it. Sometimes life hits you in the head with a brick. Don't lose faith. I'm convinced that the only thing that kept me going was that I loved what I did. You've got to find what you love. And that is as true for your work as it is for your lovers. Your work is going to fill a large part of your life, and the only way to be truly satisfied is to do what you believe is great work. And the only way to do great work is to love what you do. If you haven't found it yet, keep looking. Don't settle. As with all matters of the heart, you'll know when you find it. And, like any great relationship, it just gets better and better as the years roll on. So keep looking until you find it. Don't settle.

My third story is about death.

When I was 17, I read a quote that went something like: "If you live each day as if it was your last, someday you'll most certainly be right." It made an impression on me, and since then, for the past 33 years, I have looked in the mirror every morning and asked myself: "If today were the last day of my life, would I want to do what I am about to do today?" And whenever the answer has been "No" for too many days in a row, I know I need to change something.

Remembering that I'll be dead soon is the most important tool I've ever encountered to help me make the big choices in life. Because almost everything � all external expectations, all pride, all fear of embarrassment or failure - these things just fall away in the face of death, leaving only what is truly important. Remembering that you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose. You are already naked. There is no reason not to follow your heart.

About a year ago I was diagnosed with cancer. I had a scan at 7:30 in the morning, and it clearly showed a tumor on my pancreas. I didn't even know what a pancreas was. The doctors told me this was almost certainly a type of cancer that is incurable, and that I should expect to live no longer than three to six months. My doctor advised me to go home and get my affairs in order, which is doctor's code for prepare to die. It means to try to tell your kids everything you thought you'd have the next 10 years to tell them in just a few months. It means to make sure everything is buttoned up so that it will be as easy as possible for your family. It means to say your goodbyes.

I lived with that diagnosis all day. Later that evening I had a biopsy, where they stuck an endoscope down my throat, through my stomach and into my intestines, put a needle into my pancreas and got a few cells from the tumor. I was sedated, but my wife, who was there, told me that when they viewed the cells under a microscope the doctors started crying because it turned out to be a very rare form of pancreatic cancer that is curable with surgery. I had the surgery and I'm fine now.

This was the closest I've been to facing death, and I hope its the closest I get for a few more decades. Having lived through it, I can now say this to you with a bit more certainty than when death was a useful but purely intellectual concept:

No one wants to die. Even people who want to go to heaven don't want to die to get there. And yet death is the destination we all share. No one has ever escaped it. And that is as it should be, because Death is very likely the single best invention of Life. It is Life's change agent. It clears out the old to make way for the new. Right now the new is you, but someday not too long from now, you will gradually become the old and be cleared away. Sorry to be so dramatic, but it is quite true.

Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't be trapped by dogma - which is living with the results of other people's thinking. Don't let the noise of other's opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.

When I was young, there was an amazing publication called The Whole Earth Catalog, which was one of the bibles of my generation. It was created by a fellow named Stewart Brand not far from here in Menlo Park, and he brought it to life with his poetic touch. This was in the late 1960's, before personal computers and desktop publishing, so it was all made with typewriters, scissors, and polaroid cameras. It was sort of like Google in paperback form, 35 years before Google came along: it was idealistic, and overflowing with neat tools and great notions.

Stewart and his team put out several issues of The Whole Earth Catalog, and then when it had run its course, they put out a final issue. It was the mid-1970s, and I was your age. On the back cover of their final issue was a photograph of an early morning country road, the kind you might find yourself hitchhiking on if you were so adventurous. Beneath it were the words: "Stay Hungry. Stay Foolish." It was their farewell message as they signed off. Stay Hungry. Stay Foolish. And I have always wished that for myself. And now, as you graduate to begin anew, I wish that for you.

Stay Hungry. Stay Foolish.

Thank you all very much.